Pretence

pretence /prɪˈtɛns/ noun an attempt to make something that is not the case appear true. That is what Google defines “Pretence” as. Well I have been thinking a lot about Pretence these days. You will ask me why. I have been getting quite irritated and I remain irritable for a long period of time off late. I was wondering what is causing it. And then I tried to rewind and break down my behaviour and my states of mind over the last few days. I realized that I was in the most relaxed state of mind, a state of calm and happiness , when I was in my most natural state- which means, mostly I am at home, I am in my pyjamas, I am sitting with my legs crawled up on the sofa, and I am laughing and talking about something that I care about, to someone that I care about. Secondly I have been in a good state of mind when I am focused in some work where I have a clear goal in sight. For example, this could be a simple task at work, a delegation to someone, a phone call to make, an order to place- the completion of this task gives me a feeling of satisfaction and success- it made me feel valuable and worthy. So obviously it heightened my positive frame of mind. So then what is causing me to cringe, to be irritable? I reviewed again- whenever I am forced to do something that I am not really comfortable with- ( please note that this is different for different people), or I am even made to think of something that I should do in the near future which I am not so natural at, makes me get irritated and agitated and I feel basically bad. Let me look at examples. There are instances in my life in the past few days where I had to talk, keep talking for a long period of time, to people whom I don’t necessarily share a connection with, in languages that I am not fully confident at, about topics that are not really in my interest and even about stuff that I don’t care sometimes! Or I have had to take part in situations where I am forced to be in my not-so-comfortable state of mind- in clothes that don’t define me, in groups that I don’t feel belonged to, speaking and faking laughter and interest , when within me, I am just waiting for that to get over and get home, literally and metaphorically. Now I started wondering what is the underlying problem in such situations- and I came up with this word- “Pretence” – In all of these uncomfortable situations, what pains me is the pretence that I am trying so hard at. I am attempting so hard to make something that is not the case appear true. I am talking as if I am interested, I am dressing up as if I am happy in it, I am laughing as if that’s the funniest joke I have heard- when none of it is actually true. Pretence pains, atleast for me. The most valuable thing I can do to keep myself and others around me happy, is to be “ME”. So please let me BE. Love Hridya 28.6.2021