Pretence

pretence /prɪˈtɛns/ noun an attempt to make something that is not the case appear true. That is what Google defines “Pretence” as. Well I have been thinking a lot about Pretence these days. You will ask me why. I have been getting quite irritated and I remain irritable for a long period of time off late. I was wondering what is causing it. And then I tried to rewind and break down my behaviour and my states of mind over the last few days. I realized that I was in the most relaxed state of mind, a state of calm and happiness , when I was in my most natural state- which means, mostly I am at home, I am in my pyjamas, I am sitting with my legs crawled up on the sofa, and I am laughing and talking about something that I care about, to someone that I care about. Secondly I have been in a good state of mind when I am focused in some work where I have a clear goal in sight. For example, this could be a simple task at work, a delegation to someone, a phone call to make, an order to place- the completion of this task gives me a feeling of satisfaction and success- it made me feel valuable and worthy. So obviously it heightened my positive frame of mind. So then what is causing me to cringe, to be irritable? I reviewed again- whenever I am forced to do something that I am not really comfortable with- ( please note that this is different for different people), or I am even made to think of something that I should do in the near future which I am not so natural at, makes me get irritated and agitated and I feel basically bad. Let me look at examples. There are instances in my life in the past few days where I had to talk, keep talking for a long period of time, to people whom I don’t necessarily share a connection with, in languages that I am not fully confident at, about topics that are not really in my interest and even about stuff that I don’t care sometimes! Or I have had to take part in situations where I am forced to be in my not-so-comfortable state of mind- in clothes that don’t define me, in groups that I don’t feel belonged to, speaking and faking laughter and interest , when within me, I am just waiting for that to get over and get home, literally and metaphorically. Now I started wondering what is the underlying problem in such situations- and I came up with this word- “Pretence” – In all of these uncomfortable situations, what pains me is the pretence that I am trying so hard at. I am attempting so hard to make something that is not the case appear true. I am talking as if I am interested, I am dressing up as if I am happy in it, I am laughing as if that’s the funniest joke I have heard- when none of it is actually true. Pretence pains, atleast for me. The most valuable thing I can do to keep myself and others around me happy, is to be “ME”. So please let me BE. Love Hridya 28.6.2021

The perks of a morning walk

 

Today was a special day. Why you may ask. After so many days of preparation ( in other words procrastination) I finally gathered myself up to go for a morning walk! Let me explain the background story. Well, I had to be driven to the tip of a burn-out at work to decide finally to take some time off , just like that. I wasn’t flying back  home, I wasn’t physically sick, I didn’t have any plan as such – Without any of the above reasons, taking leave from work had seemed like a crime to me until a few days back. But as I said before, when we are so worn out and you start questioning the whole point of it, that is when you finally take those simple decisions which are the most important, like in my case I just applied for a week long holiday. Reason – I need a break, that’s it! And thankfully it was approved without much questions asked as well!

Thus began my big 5 day holiday , without any specific agenda. So I had sent my son off to school and I didn’t have to hurry up to log in to my work, and I started feeling quite special while I sat on the couch sipping the hot tea with the newspaper without having the thought at the back of my mind, of which task to first take up in the work day. That’s when I thought why not to have that morning walk which I have been planning for ever. For the record, we lived in a beautiful green community with lots of parks and trees and fresh air, and basically if some one was not already going walking , he or she should either be crazy or lazy or a workaholic like me. So today was the day I thought , what better thing to start my very precious holiday- and thus off I went for the morning walk around the big ground near our home.

It was a pleasant morning too, adding to my joy- just the right amount of sunshine! I started off with the mandatory selfie , to mark my new beginning 😊 and shared it already in my family group- even before I started walking. And once I reached the ground, I decided to take a few rounds around it. There were many people who seemed like regulars – the good boys and girls who were apparently doing this since a long time. The first two rounds were very focused on my steps , the pace etc. Afterwards, my attention started moving around- I started observing the surroundings, the people, their conversations were catching my attention even more- not that I was overhearing, but everything seemed to be vivid to me somehow.

I noticed there was a small beautiful family of a mom, dad and their toddler daughter who were taking the stroll- and the dad stopped to pick a flower and give it to the girl, I saw her happiness and the joyful cry she gave to see that flower- even more refreshing was to see that dad’s face , how he was beaming with joy with such a simple moment. And as I moved forward, I saw two old women who were taking very slow walks alongside me, had sat down on the park benches to take rest. I was sure they would be grand-moms who had flown from their homeland to Dubai, to be with their children , taking care of their grandchildren. From their appearance I could understand that they would not be from the same native place, still they seemed so much at home, and they would have become friends here in this very park, during these morning walks only. They were in some deep animated discussion, most probably it must have been about that joint ache which they both suffered or some story back home. I was amused to see how people can connect without much in common, not even with a common language,  but there is often some thin common thread that bonds people together, especially when you are on a foreign land.

 On the other side, there were runners who seemed quite focused and determined with their fitness trackers. I wondered they have to be lauded for taking this step to maintain such a healthy routine in spite of their busy work schedule. Then there were two moms discussing worriedly about their kids, their classes and school. There was this lady who was so much engrossed in meditation in a quiet spot on the ground with such a calm expression that nothing around seemed to exist for her. It is such a peace of mind even to see someone in that space amidst all the chaos! There was an old man who was playing with his little grand son- both of them were literally running on the grass barefoot, the little boy was so happy running around like a butterfly. Nature was in perfect harmony with birds chirping and the vast blue sky above and the sun shining beautifully..

With all these sights, I didn’t even realise that I had completed six rounds around the big ground! I was painstakingly checking the steps meter before to see when I can stop, but the moment I forgot myself and observed the atmosphere, time or the effort didn’t seem to be a bottleneck. I think it is always the case that we are looking so inward and focusing on the  “me, myself” that it starts to strain a lot, rather we should be looking around, at other people- observe the little nuances , what makes people happy, what makes them tense, look around at nature’s little big marvels. I had managed to see lot of such moments today which were pure reflections of some of the best human traits- love , care, affection , friendship, empathy, determination and many more.  I returned home feeling much more refreshed and fulfilled than the content of shedding a few calories- After all these may be the real perks of a morning walk , I told myself to forget the calories and the weighing machine-  my mind was more enriched, that is what ultimately matters, isn’t it? Happy walking!

 

Amma

The one who understands the tear
Even if it is hidden in my smile
The one who realizes my pain
Even if I don't express it
The one who loses sleep for nights
If I am not happy or in tension
The one who is so selfless
That anything about her child comes first
Even if my words have hurt her sometimes
A simple sorry and she says "I know"
And it is only to her that even I know
That I can be me, the good me and the bad me
I maybe thousand kilometres away from her
But she knows the slightest change of my mood
And her soothing words have to this day
Been my biggest comfort and support
One day is not needed to say this to you Amma
But everyday I don't say this to you either
So let it be today that I tell you how lucky I am
To be born your daughter, to have you as mom
Thank you my dear Amma
Love you lots to the moon and back

With love
Yours chinnu

That woman

That Woman

I am that woman
Who is sensitive yet strong
Who is sensible but silly at times
She is delicate like the flower
But she spreads her fragrance to the world
I want to be that woman
Who can feed her family full
Even if the pangs of hunger kill her
Can I be that woman ever
Who knows to forgive and forget
Even the ones who hurt her ?
I wish if I can be that woman
Like my mother, like the thousand mothers
Who nurtures and protects her child
Like no one else can, but doesn't expect anything back
I am that woman
Who wants to be independent
But wishes to be cared for, and loved
I am that woman who runs errands
But loves to rest on a strong shoulder
I yearn to be that woman
Strong , sensitive and beautiful
Whom the world shall look up to.

Old is gold,or is it?

It was one of those lazy weekends. Those in which you don't really feel like roaming out, window shopping the same cozy malls,but instead you just feel like being home, trying to do some household chores,especially the ones you have been postponing for long. The one job that tops such a list of chores, especially for women, is arranging ( or rather 're-arranging' :) ) the wardrobe. So that weekend I also eagerly set out to clear the mess that my wardrobe had become over the many days of lack of attention.

I was sorting out my clothes, which basically ends up more like a task of sorting out the dresses as , those which still fit me and those which don't ( sadly,for that is often the stark reminder of those extra kilos that I have put on). Suddenly my eyes fell on one of my old & favourite kurtas which was lying at the bottom,missing my attention all this while. It was a pure white kurta ,not so pure anymore :( with some purple design in it. I still remembered that I had liked it so much at the store that I ended up buying it despite the fact that my budget had been overshot. As I unfolded it, I remembered the various occasions when I had worn it, the memories all rushed back into my mind. I even blushed,as I posed with it in front of the mirror, remembering some of the compliments it had won me years ago!!

Without wasting any further time, leaving the cupboard empty and all clothes spread out on bed, I hastily tried the kurta on. And much against my expectation and even more for my happiness, it fit me! Or so I wished to believe. But on closer examination , I was worried. Was it bit too tight at the sleeves? Noo, that must have been probably how the designer meant it to be, I convinced myself. Had it become more of a pale yellow than white? Maybe I could explain that it was off-white. In short, I was so bent upon finding reasons to believe that the dress was still good on me, and that I had no reason to dispose it. Still more, I decided I had to wear it again,anyhow.

Then I stepped back and took a closer look at it. The kurta was indeed pale yellow, it even showed signs of being worn out here and there. Until some time back, even when this was so clearly visible to me, I could not see it actually, because I was too stubborn to let it go! At times, I guess we tend to do the same in life too. Even when the times have changed, and we would have to change too, we might tend to lock ourselves in the shackles of some of our old thoughts, memories , or assumptions. Even there could be things that might have been once good for us, like my old kurta, but with time, we may have to let go of them. On a larger perspective, the same can be applied to our professional & personal lives as well. For example, in my own case,in my job, there is a huge comfort zone which I now realise is something which I have created for myself. It could be just that I am so used to the good old job, that a new task or change in work style, scares me off or at the least unsettles me to a great extent. Just like how I know that I look good in the old kurta, I am sure that within my comfort zone, I can perform well, and there is no big risk of failing. It is that confidence which unknowingly prevents me from trying something new. I agree, there might be some bravehearts out there who love taking up new challenges, but I know I have not been one of them unfortunately. 

I then realised that so much like how I kept convincing me not to dispose the old dress, I have often resisted new changes in my life, with reasons I had made myself , in order to cling to my old comfortable status quo. Today I learnt that it might be just better to 'let go', though old is gold, new could be something still better than that as well.. I just hope that I muster enough courage to break out of my comfort zone in future, when life throws new challenges at me

PS: If you are wondering what happened to my old white kurta, I finally put it along with the 'to be disposed' items and decided to get myself a new one. Letting go has its benefits afterall you see,.. ;)

Hridya

Monsoon Memories

  It was getting pretty dark and cloudy outside. At the fag end of another hectic, mad day in my office, the thought of going drenched in the rain back home, walking that muddy stretch from company gate to the main road, and fighting World War –III with the kind and large-hearted auto guys of Bangalore  who would turn especially magnanimous with another reason to add,  with the rain, was itself further demotivating .What a grand finale to another glorious weekday!!

Maybe it was not that bad too, for I managed to get a lift back home with my colleague. On the way back home, among several other topics , the “rains” also came into the discussion. It is just mid-April, monsoons are a long way to come, somebody remarked. And pat came the reply, ”well these are called the “pre-monsooon showers”. I just wondered, we have come to that stage , where we have this fancy of giving a name to anything and everything happening around us. Be it “tension headaches” or “quarter-life crisis”, name the phenomenon, and there we have a name!! Riding through all such names and news , I somehow managed to rush home and escaped the rains.

In another hour’s time, it was pouring heavily, but nicely. It was not that heavy sounding rain, but the one which just managed to fall down so easily and calmly. I felt a cool within the house and just peeped through the window to watch the reddish dark sky and the silently falling showers. I don’t know if it is my personal feeling, or maybe many of us share, “rain” always had this beautiful magnetic power which drew me close to it..I went out into the small balcony in front of my flat to feel the rains. I have always felt, rain is like a mirror , it reflects your mood, your feelings at that point of  time. When I’m happy and feeling good, I feel like the down pour is celebrating my joy like a little kid jumping with joy splashing water. When I’m sad, and look at it, I feel as if it is crying along with me, for me…

As I got drenched a little from my balcony , it opened a casket of good old memories, of the monsoons in my native ( Kerala ), in my childhood.. Kerala as it is, is famed for the first rains of the year..it was always special out there. Monsoons was always deeply entwined with the warm memories of my school days as it always coincided with schools re-opening after the long summer vacations. I still vividly remember my mom repeating with an impish smile every year , as to how the rain was a villain soaking our newly stitched school uniforms on the very first day of  school. And she was right most of my school years also!! As the school days progressed , the rains witnessed new friendships  , the little anxieties of examinations, new teachers, new lessons, the new class rooms..

The image of the vast playground with muddy water in it while it rained and how we carried those colourful umbrellas excitedly , still is so fresh in my mind. How well I remember those rainy mornings when I was so glad to have an excuse for not wearing socks and shoes, which otherwise would have invited the wrath of the strict nuns of my Convent school..The morning assembly would be cancelled, and we used to cluster into the dark classrooms and sing hurriedly those hymns, watching the heavy rains outside.

As time flew, and I grew up, through my school and college days,and into the frantically busy, mechanised life of a professional, the nature of the monsoons and their timing was greatly altered, with all those alarming facts of climate change and stuff.  However what never seemed to change , was that spark of thought ignited in my mind, with that first drop of rain that fell on me, everytime. Just as today, when I am totally in a different space, a different land, with a much confused mind, still these rains managed to drench me in the sweet downpour of the memories of those good old days..the nostalgic monsoon memories soaked me absolutely…

Hridya

Threshold

Why is it that I'm always on the threshold?

Too scared to step in, too reluctant to step back

Peeping into the world beyond anxiously

Dreaming shamelessly of the joys on the other side

Quenching my thirst and hunger with all silly joys

The inner world might offer me aplenty

Still I have my one foot in air always

Why is it that I'm always on the threshold??

Be it anything, always two sides I have

In and out.. If in looks too cosy, out looks too tempting

Why is it that I always stand confused

At the threshold of all major steps in life

The threshold seems home to me now

I teach myself to be happy here

The threshold sometimes seems scary

What if I grow my roots here forever!!

My friends have gone past me into the world beyond

They lovingly slow at my threshold,see me,care me

The usual "hi-bye" happens, & off they leap forward

Leaving me behind like a loser peeping from the threshold

Some have stayed longer with me here , at the steps

And I mistook they are my soul mates, friends for life

And then one fine day, I see they too had their eyes yonder the threshold

Even as they embraced me,they dreamt of beyond & bid me farewell soon

I still remained, at the threshold

Cold and scared,now loneliness maddened me

Why is it that I'm still on the threshold?

Stepping in may not be the thing for me..I now realise

Why did I not turn back atleast once?

I was always too proud to give a look back - always too hurried to succeed

Turning back, I saw my world, my land, my people

Waiting to bestow upon me with all joy and success-

I now stepped back from the threshold...

Hopefully for the better times.